Worried [December 28th, 2009 ] polygon_dream [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Neon Indian - Should have taken acid with you (coyote politics remix) | Powered by Last.fm ] The date is coming closer and closer. Yes I'm prepared but I'm so scared of the pain. The doctor said it'll be very soon. I sometimes wonder how will it happen and how I will react. God, please give me the strength. As long as everything goes smoothly, insyaallah.

on a lovely sunday, today. [December 27th, 2009 ] cosmic_beans one of the best things to have stumbled upon in recent times. # +

skip whiny rant [December 26th, 2009 ] nodialogue [ music | Nosaj Thing - Aquarium ] Lately, I find so little things to be inspiring, which scares me and depresses me at the same time. But a few days ago, I saw the most gorgeous sunset ever. I was squashed in the backseat of a tiny cab in Malaysia with my mom and my two sisters, it was during or approaching Maghrib and we were on the highway going back to our hotel and I only have about one-quarter of my butt on the seat and the rest floating in between the front and the back seat with my back leaning against my sister's knee and one of my legs over my mom's legs and my sister was whining she can't feel her legs anymore and we probably won't be able to walk for a few seconds once we got out of the cab and my fat sister had dark clouds with thunderbolts and lightning hovering over her head and I've never been in a cab where I felt so close to the ground and then it drove up a sort of hill and we saw it. It felt like all the colours of the universe were present in the sky at that moment. We were in awe and my dad suddenly mentioned that we should have brought our cameras and video cameras along but since a long time ago, I've lost the ability to see the need of pictures and evidences for special moments like these. People rely on their cameras too much and also this idea of wanting to keep a memory of that moment in hard/soft copy so that it will last forever. I rarely ever bring around a camera with me nor do I write about things. I think I've started to appreciate things at present and accepted the fact that we cannot remember or collect everything and because of that I've decided to let go and not try at all. I don't know, this may seem a little foolish or lazy but what's the point. I am allowing myself to remember and forget things as my brain wishes, yes brain, aka my hard drive, you now have the luxury to control my life and if I get attacked by a virus I won't be having any back-up copies of myself. I just realised I am regarding my brain and my self as 2 separate entities. Hah hah. Ramble ramble ramble. My hands are shivering. I can't type fast. Everytime I think about where my life is going I feel like I might get a panic attack so I stop thinking. All I want to do lately is run away. What is this? I make no effort to make connections with people nor do I get attached to anything or anyone. I feel like I've been preparing for a time where I get taken away from everything that I know. I keep going back to things I am supposed to be interested in but I feel like a different person and all that is suppose to be related to me seems foreign. I hope I am just going through a phase. I don't know. Ramble ramble ramble. I'll get over this. Whatever it is. Someone recommend me a happy, inspiring book. # +

little bit [December 24th, 2009 ] cosmic_beans i have this huge urge to book tickets, pack my bags and fly off somewhere to drive around in a rented car for a few days with nothing but food and 35mm in the boot. # +

[December 20th, 2009 ] ertyrea how much you always forgive everything i do. the time and space begin of certain if i'm coming back to you. i'm saying this to let you know i try. # +

[December 16th, 2009 ] cosmic_beans i've been using my neighbor's slippers for the past few days. we don't even speak. i wonder if he knows. # +

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